So Dysfunctional
by mrsProbie
Summary: The Dark Lord is planning a trip to a small town in America to try to convince a coven of vampires to join him. Will Harry, Hermione, and a reluctant Draco get there in time to make them change their minds, or will this golden-eyed family be drawn in?
1. Learning New Things

_You're Pretty Messed Up, Too  
Chapter 1 (Learning New Things)_

"Hello, Professor. I'd like to see Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, and Draco Malfoy, please." Normally Kingsley would have just called the pair by their first names, but he was acting as a ministry official right now, not an Order member and friend.

"Of course," the headmaster said, bowing graciously, "but may I know the nature of the visit? As of yet, the ministry has never deigned to interrupt a class here and pull a student out."

Normally Dumbledore would have been a good deal nicer as well, but this was how he conversed with ministry officials, and so it had to be done.

"The nature of the visit is confidential. I'm very sorry."

Dumbledore leaned in to murmur into Kingsley's ear: "Molly's serving dinner tonight at headquarters. Meatloaf."

"I'll be there," the other man said, chuckling quietly.

"And I'll be sure to tell Molly later. I'll be right back to fetch Harry and Hermione, or would you rather come with me?"

"I'll come with you. I'd like to see how they manage in their classes." Kingsley snapped back into ministry mode.

"All right then, right this way."

For ten minutes they walked in silence up and down the gently gliding staircases, and twice they were stopped by Peeves, who relented at last when Dumbledore called out for the Bloody Baron- the only ghost in existence that could actually scare the poltergeist. At last they reached the Arithmancy classroom, and the two men were stunned to see the room in such a state of disarray. Dumbledore raised his eyebrows at Professor Vector, who taught the class.

"A young girl came in here holding a- a- I don't know what it was, but it started laying flaming eggs, and catching people on fire, and she was calling it some ridiculous pet name, trying to get it to stop-"

"It was Luna Lovegood," a voice said. Hermione stepped forward. "In her defense, she thought it was just a snorkack, sir."

"What was it, really?" Kingsley asked, still using his ministry voice. Professor Vector began to whimper about losing his job.

"It was... it was an ashwinder, sir," Hermione said, looking down at the floor as though it were her fault- she had always been a wonderful actress. She didn't know why Kingsley was here, but she knew it wasn't for a proper inspection.

"And you didn't know how to defend yourself against it?" Kingsley demanded of Vector.

"I- I teach Arithmancy, not Care of Magical Damned Creatures!"

"I'll deal with you later," Kingsley said offhandedly, nevertheless causing quite a hush as the students heard this. If they hadn't been eavesdropping before, they certainly were now.

"Miss Granger, if you would follow me to Professor Dumbledore's office." Now, an even greater hush. 'Is Granger in trouble?' 'Serves her right, the know-it-all.' 'I wonder if she's graduating early.' 'Merlin, I hope so.' Hermione was hurt as she heard the whispers around the room and so surprised everyone, even herself, by giving a rude gesture behind her back as she followed Kingsley and Dumbledore into the corridor.

"Now, Hermione, that was rather inappropriate, don't you think?" Dumbledore asked, eyes twinkling.

"I'm very sorry, sir. My temper got out of hand."

"That isn't an issue, Miss Granger," Kingsley said. "Where you're going, that will help you out a lot."

"Where exactly am I going?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out."

They made their way to the grounds on the other side of the castle where Harry was coaching the Gryffindor Quidditch team, getting ready for one of the pivotal matches of the year. If they won, they were two victories away from winning the cup- if they lost, they were in third place for the season for sure.

"If you'll excuse me, Harry, we need to borrow you for a moment."

"No problem, Professor. I'll be right back, guys, keep doing your warm-up, okay?" Harry jogged over to the three observers. "Is there something wrong?" he asked, glancing between their faces.

"I'm going to need you to come up to Professor Dumbledore's office," Kingsley said, devoid of any emotion.

"Er, let me go tell my team that." He winced at the loud yells emitting from the practice area.

"Professor Snape, may I borrow Mr. Malfoy for a moment?" Kingsley asked without really asking.

"Of course. Draco, please see the man outside."

"We're going to need him for quite a while. He will need to bring his things."

"Fine. Draco, pack your things. Your assignment was written on the board. Two foot essay on the advantages and disadvantages of using powdered unicorn horn in potions regarding love and other such emotions."

"Yes, sir."

"There have been many rumors that the Dark Lord is in the States, in Washington."

"Can I go back to class now?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Malfoy, I would have thought being Head Boy would have gotten you to be at least a little less of an arse, but apparently it's just making your ego even bigger."

"And I didn't think your teeth could get any bigger, but we all have our off days, now don't we?"

"Will the two of you shut up?" Harry asked, sick of the bickering.

"I will when he will."

"You aren't going to be quiet for a long time, Granger."

"Don't give yourself airs, Malfoy!"

"Hermione, Draco. Kindly control yourselves. You are in the presence of a ministry official and your headmaster, so you may wish to reconsider saying the things doubtlessly going through your pubescent young minds." Kingsley had snapped. Enough was enough. The Head students glared at each other, but remained silent. "Dumbledore, would you care to explain the purpose of this impromptu meeting?"

The old man smiled. "I was under the impression this was confidential, Kingsley."

"If it's confidential, you must leave."

"I will explain to them what is going on. I'd rather like to see the looks on their faces."  
Hermione's brows knitted together; Harry sighed; Malfoy continued to stare out the window.

"As Kingsley said before, there have been rumors that the Dark Lord is in Washington. He's said to be in a small town called Forks. You three have had remarkably high involvement in the war so far, both positive and negative, and have shown to be very... what is that word... self-commanding, and therefore are most likely to be able to endure Auror-like training."

"I- I'm going to be an Auror? But- but- oh, just wait 'till my father hears about this!" Malfoy grinned widely.

"Considering your father's state in Azkaban, I don't think he'd really care!" Kingsley said sharply. "Now, moving on. You are not going to be Aurors. You are going to undergo similar training, learn advanced techniques of difficult magics, such as Occlumency and Legilimency without eye contact. You will also learn many things about what American Muggle teenagers think and talk about, what they think we as the British are like, what music they listen-"

"Why are we learning all that?" Malfoy interrupted.

Again, Hermione rolled her eyes at him. "We're obviously going there, oh intelligent one."

"Not spending every minute of every day with my nose stuck in a book doesn't make me stupid. With a face like that, though, I'm not surprised you do it so often."

Harry had to physically restrain Hernione from hurting Malfoy.

"As Hermione said, yes, you are going there. Recently we've been trying to find somebody to act as a parental figure for you, but since Mrs. Weasley refused to do so unless Ronald was allowed to go- which he is not- she and her husband are not options. Our second plan was for Remus and Nymphadora Lupin to go with you, but since Nymphadora is currently pregnant, her baby's appearance would be far too unstable for an environment with that many humans around. As a final resort, we are sending along Sirius Black. I know he isn't exactly the most perfect fatherly figure in the world, but he may be able to keep you all from killing each other. Merlin's sake, calm down, Hermione!" Hermione had been sending withering glares at Malfoy thoughtout Kingsley's entire speech, and when Malfoy sent her a rather rude gesture involving a single finger, Harry had to return to physically holding her back.

"That sounds great, Kingsley. Having Sirius there ought to make it fun," Harry said, grinning widely.

"Oh, yes, tons," Malfoy drawled. "Rooming with the Boy Who Didn't Die, the Mudblood, and the Blood Traitor. Perfect holiday, that. When do I get to go on this lovely trip?"

"You will be leaving for the Auror training area in, I don't know, twenty minutes, would you say, Kingsley?"

"Twenty minutes?" Hermione's voice was shrill.

"What about all our things?" Malfoy said, showing alarm for the first time.

"They are being collected by the house elves as we speak," Kingsley provided. "You will share a carriage on the way to the train, where you will be in a compartment with an American  
wizard by the name of David Collins. He will explain to you some of the finer laws of magic in America, and will get you to the airport from the station. From there you are to follow the laws he has told you. From what I know, even Harry can perform magic as long as no non-magical beings can see it. For example, a Muggle couldn't see you perform the magic. A vampire, however, is legally allowed, as is a were-wolf, a pixie, or any other magical creature you may encounter."

"That's stupid, calling them creatures," Hermione said, so calmly that Harry felt the need to back away. Usually it was her quietly angry voice she used right before her wand started shooting out demonic birds.

"Well, they're not human," Malfoy said, rolling his eyes.

"Technically, neither are we. We're just as much creatures as vampires are." Her voice was rising.

Malfoy looked taken aback. "Really?"

"Yes, really," Dumbledore said, nodding gravely. "I believe Miss Granger is right, Mr. Malfoy. It would not be right of you to look down upon them for being creatures of the dark. It would be very... hypocritical."

This seemed to shut Malfoy up for the time being.

"Now, after you board the plane, you're on your own. I have no idea where you are going. I would appreciate it if you kept in contact with us at least for the first few weeks."

"Weeks?" Even Dumbledore stiffened a bit at the volume of Malfoy's voice.

"Yes, weeks," Kingsley said, irritated by the boy. "As I was saying, I have no idea what you will be doing once you get there. That's between you three, Sirius, and the American government."

Hermione smiled. Harry sighed. Malfoy frowned.

"I believe your coach is here," Dumbledore said, and as if on queue, Dobby appeared.

"Time for you to go, Mr. Potter, sir, Miss Granger, ma'am, and..." despite his orders, he trailed off at Malfoy's name.

"Mr. Malfoy?" Hermione supplied, laughing into the hand she had held up against her mouth.

"Yes, very sorry, Mr. Malfoy, sir, time to go."

As the group left, Professors McGonagall and Snape stepped out of a classroom and into the corridor. "I just wanted to congratulate you on being chosen to do this, Harry, Hermione. It's an honor to be trusted so much."

"Draco, please do not hesitate to write if these two give you any... problems at all."

Malfoy smirked. "I can't wait, sir."

"Same for you two. If he does anything, tell Sirius; I'm sure he wouldn't mind recreating the bouncing ferret incident." However irate she had been with Moody at the time, Harry and Hermione knew that she'd secretly enjoyed seeing Malfoy get what he deserved.

She stood up straighter and walked primly down the corridor, Snape following quickly after.

Dobby looked from face to face, confused. "B- bouncing f- f- ferret?"

Hermione smiled gently. "Just keep going, Dobby. It's nothing of consequence."

"Yes, Miss Granger, Dobby will mind his own business."

"That wasn't what-" Hermione started, but stopped at the look Harry was giving her. "Thank you, Dobby."

**A/N: I fixed the spacing especially for you, ****KJS X-OVER****! I hope you like it- I don't think I'll be updating it for a while, I'm having some serious writers' block. I keep writing, and deleting, and writing, and deleting (repeat).**


	2. Shopping

**A/N; I'm not writing the training scenes in right now because I'm going through some severe writer's block. However, I know that many people really like this fic, so I'd feel guilty if I didn't update after weeks of WB.**

"All right, before I can let you loose in America on your own, you'll go through some very intense training." The man shook his hair out of his eyes. "It will be a total of four days."

"Four days?" I shrieked. "How are we to learn all this in _four bloody days_?" He'd just shown us the seventeen-page portfolio of subjects to be covered. I was thinking we would have at least two weeks.

He sent me a glare. "As I said, the training will be very intense. You'll be given potions so you can operate on less sleep than usual, because you'll only get about three hours. The first day will consist mainly of the physical build-up of abilities, like strength training, quick movement, how to take advantage of the senses, spells to physically impede your enemies or increase your stamina, things like that. Day two is the mental powers, like advanced legilimency and occlumency, the ability to project thoughts into other minds, and how to tell not only _if_ your mind is being probed, but also _by whom_. Third day: situational information. You'll learn your way around Forks, how to act while you're there, the information required for your classes. The fourth day is basically creature-focused Defense Against the Dark Arts. How to tell when the vampires are hungry, irritated, happy, et cetera. You'll learn more about the different types of werewolves, how to defend yourself against them, what spells do and don't work on them. Any questions?"

"What's the food like?" Harry asked. I snorted.

"The food there is pretty good, but there isn't really all that much. Maybe that's part of the training as well? They don't want to get you guys bloated, I guess. You'll be really fit by the end of this, I can promise you that much. Anything else?"

"Certain clothing we have to wear?" Malfoy asked. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Normally, I'd tell you to wear what you'd wear on a daily basis outside of school, but as of now, you have to wear Muggle clothing. I'm sure we could arrange a currency conversion, and Hermione and Harry could help you buy some clothes?"

I pursed my lips. "Fine."

"Oh, by the way, my name's Brennan. You'll be seeing a lot of me for the next few days."

"Wonderful," I muttered.

The next day was rather hellish, in my opinion. I had to take both Harry _and_ Malfoy (or Draco, as Brennan forced me to call him) shopping for Muggle clothing. On the one hand was Harry, who was familiar with the sizing and styles but had utterly horrible fashion sense. On the other hand was Draco, who knew that stripes and plaid decidedly do _not_ match, but insisted that all the Muggle clothing was terrible quality.

"Erm, Harry. What's your size in shirts?"

"Er- small?"

"Probably so. Mal- Draco?"

"No idea." He rolled his eyes. "What, are there no tailors here?"

"Look," I growled. "This is Old Navy, not the I-Have-A-Stick-Up-My-Ass Boutique, all right? It's relatively cheap, and it works. Once we get to Forks, you can get a job and pay for your own overpriced clothing. Now come on, we'll get a few different sizes."

He seemed startled by this outburst. "Fine," he muttered. "I didn't know know-it-alls cursed," he mentioned casually. I fought to keep from strangling him.

"All right. Harry, I can see you wearing something like… like… this," I said, pulling some dark jeans, a loose white button-up, some skater shoes, and a red tie from various racks and shelves. When he looked at me oddly after seeing the last item, I shrugged. "You look good in a tie. Don't tuck in the shirt, okay?"

Now he snorted. I handed him his clothing and searched up something for Draco. For him, I settled on jeans, a t-shirt (a piñata and some writing: "I'd hit that"), a brown leather jacket, and some pale blue converse. Draco smiled at the shirt.

I had plenty of Muggle clothes, so I didn't really need anything new. (I bought some skinny jeans and tank tops anyway.) We headed to the dressing room and I sent them both in to change. When they walked out in their new clothes, I took a deep breath. Why did I have to be assigned on a mission with two good-looking guys? I mean, I look average anyway, but next to them I must look like knargle crap. I realized they were probably expecting me to say something.

I coughed. "You guys look nice. Let's get some more things like that. Change back into your regular clothes."

As we checked out, I could see the cashier eyeing Harry. I hadn't really noticed until the dressing room scene, but he was actually very good looking. One more piece chipped off of my self-confidence.

"So, Harry, Draco. Want to get some food before we go back to headquarters?" I asked to break the silence.

"Sure. I don't know about you guys, but I'm exhausted." I grinned at Harry.

"So you can go up against Dementors and suffer only slight fatigue, but put you through a day of shopping, and…" Draco joined in my laughter.

"Oh, go wank."

"Now _that's_ an interesting one," I said, winking jovially.

He blushed a deep shade of red, and became very busy readjusting his tie.


	3. Forks, WA is an Ordeal

**A/N: Sooooo sorry to keep ya'll waiting. I had a bout with depression, and then I got over it, and then it came back, and then some bitch told me to get over myself and that my writing was 'for shit,' so I stopped for a while and had a really crappy couple of weeks. But then Katie (my BFF, she is probably literally a life-saver- check out her profile here, her username is AngelInBetween) told me to just blow it off, and I got not as bad, and she helped me through it because certain authority figures in my life (i.e. my parents) don't believe that there is something wrong with me, and apparently believe I am just an attention-seeker and won't do anything about it. Anyways, don't thank me- thank Katie. So sorry, guys! But (hopefully) you'll be glad to know that I'm back for good. And finally updating this fic again :P (As well as my new one, Blood Sometimes Runs Thicker than Water- check it out... yay for in-A/N ads, mwahahaha.)**

**Oh, for the person who was wondering what Harry's skate shoes look like, here's a link: .com/productimages/Shoes_**

"I can't wait to get out of this place," Harry groaned beside me. On my other side, Draco nodded in agreement.

"When is Black going to be here?"

I checked my watch. "Ten minutes."

"Where'd that bloody time-turner go?" Draco muttered, and dug around in his pocket. I held up the chain.

"You mean this? You threw it at me when I made fun of you for jacking-"

He snatched the time-turner out of my grasp and turned a bright shade of red. "I remember the incident clearly; I don't need a refresher, thank you very much."

I smirked.

"Are you sure?" I asked innocently.

"Quite," he murmured, and returned to watching out the window for Sirius. After a few moments, he started jumping up and down and pointing out the window. Harry and I shoved him out of the way and peered through the dirty glass. Sirius smiled and waved when he saw our noses pressed to the pane. Harry opened the door and gave Sirius a hug- a _manly_ hug, of course, but still a hug.

"Hermione!" Sirius exclaimed, and I jumped about a foot into the air. "You've grown up. In many ways," he added, rather inappropriately. I jokingly slapped him, and he acted as if it burned. He then turned to Draco, opened his mouth, then shut it, obviously incapable of finding anything non-insulting to say.

"Are we going to leave anytime soon?" Draco asked dryly. Sirius nodded stiffly.

"Let's go." He led us out to a (presumably rented) blue Chevrolet Suburban. "Now, will you nicely take turns being in the front, or do we need to make some sort of rotation?"

I scoffed. "Sirius, we aren't six."

He just nodded his head towards Harry and Draco, who were arguing over the front seat.

"I should get it! I'm better-looking!" Draco said.

"No, _I_ should get it! I have to save your ass from the most evil wizard in history!"

"Yeah, but I'm better-looking."

"That fact is arguable," I interrupted, and pushed past them and got into the front seat. They both grumbled at me as they climbed into the back.

"Now that this is all settled," Sirius said, obviously amused, "let's get this show on the road. It's a twenty-five minute drive to the airport, then a ten hour flight to Seattle. After that, we have to drive up to Forks. That should take about three hours. Have you guys eaten breakfast yet?"

Harry and Draco shook their heads no, but I rolled my eyes. We'd had a nice huge good-bye breakfast that morning, and I told Sirius so. He just shrugged and stopped by a McDonald's on the way to the airport, getting Harry and Draco each a Big Mac and me, at my extremely specific request (and much to his astonishment that I found this edible), a chicken wrap.

We ate it, despite the fact that it wasn't really lunchtime yet. Going through security at the airport was a riot. Draco kept asking me why we had to go through all these machines, and why they couldn't just use a Probity Probe. I explained to him that they had no idea such things existed, and that, yes, that would be much more efficient, but that he needed to get used to doing things this way- the Muggle way. Then he asked me why I was so agitated all of a sudden, and I wished I had a grenade so I could throw it at him.

"Harry, what are you doing?" I asked as we boarded the plane. Several times, Harry had almost sat down, but had jumped up at the last moment.

"I'm trying to find a seat where we can talk about, you know, why we're going to America."

"That makes sense," Draco said, nodding.

"Guys. The whole plane is going to be packed. We'll have to wait until people fall asleep. Now let's go, there are people behind us that want to sit down."

"Fine," Draco huffed, and took a seat next to a, ahem, curvacious young blonde woman. She smiled at him coyly, and he smirked. I rolled my eyes and took the window seat behind them. Harry sat next to me, and Sirius next to him, in the aisle seat.

"Well, Harry, I'm bored. Would you like to watch a movie?"

"Sure, 'Mione. What do you have?"

"Well, there are a few. This is one of my favorites, it's called Role Models. Quite dirty, we should probably put the headphones in..." Harry and I watched Role Models twice, laughing loudly both times, earning us nasty looks from the other passengers. Finally Sirius demanded to be let in on the humor, and I let him take my headphones and watch while I read a book or seven (Harry watched the movie for the third time).

He was laughing his arse off as well. "Well, Hermione, I didn't think you had such a raunchy sense of humor," Sirius said, raising his eyebrows.

I shrugged. "When you hang around the male idiots I call my best friends, it sort of rubs off, you know? It seems to have affected you, as well."

"Nah, I was the one rubbing off on my friends. How else do you think James was suave enough to get Lily to marry him?" I snorted, and Harry just shook his head.

"Finally," Draco sighed as we climbed off the plane. We all stretched our arms and legs out, and I checked the time on my newly acquired cell phone (a Rumor 2 from Sprint), and was startled to see that it was only a little past three in the afternoon.

"What in the- oh. Of course," I smiled to myself.

Harry looked at me and tilted his head to the side. "What exactly are you on about?"

"I was just wondering why the time was messed up, but... time zones. I forgot," I said sheepishly, my face turning red.

"Oh, well isn't that terrible," Draco said, rolling his eyes. "The know-it-all made a stupid mistake, just like every other human on this planet. What a fucking shame."

"Is it going to be like this all the way to Forks?" Sirius asked.

"Why wouldn't it be?" Harry answered, grinning.

"So, what do you think?" Jamie Hilton, the real American official in charge of getting us safely in the right direction for our mission, said as we entered the house.

My jaw dropped. The room had a high ceiling, and an entryway to the left led to the kitchen and dining room. There was a door leading off from the den into a bedroom, and another into a master bedroom with a bathroom attached. Upstairs were two more bedrooms, each with their own bathroom attached, as well as the loft space. The laundry room was just large enough for four separate laundry hampers (we had settled on the car ride from the airport to Forks that we would each do our own laundry).

Now we just needed to decorate. Which would, doubtlessly, be an ordeal.

"I call an upstairs room!" I called, and jogged up the stairs.

"I get dibs on the other one!" Draco yelled, and pushed past me as he ran.

"Douche!" I yelled, and he turned and raised an eyebrow.

"Wow, Muddy," he said, using his newest derogatory nickname for me, "that was extremely profane of you to say."

"Well, I meant it," I said, and skipped past him, into the room with the larger bathroom.

"Oi! That was going to be mine!"

**A/N: Hope you liked it. Should be updating waaaay more often now :) Just gotta finish working on some crazy lady's business website and I'll be freed up all the time to write! Yay! (Trust me, I want that day to come as much as you people do.)**


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